In April of 2022 I wrote this letter to myself:

A Love Letter to My Old Life

Dear Julie,

I guess you might say that this is a “Dear John letter” to myself, as I am writing to say good-bye. Good-bye to who I was before Brian died. Good-bye to so many things that are now forever gone. This new world I find myself in is strange, confusing, and quite foreign to me. I am working diligently to adapt, and, yes, even to thrive. 
For 27 years, the world that Julie lived in was shared with another. Each morning there was someone to say “Good Morning” to at the breakfast table and, at the end of the day, someone to share those little bits of daily minutia that only couples care about. There was the sound of footsteps in the hall, and a voice on the phone. The shared laughter of a funny story and arms to comfort when things got rough. And now that is all gone. And the world is lonely and quiet. Nothing is the same except the ticking of the clock and the slowly passing days on the calendar.


I notice how the former Julie doesn’t fit into that old life anymore. The 24 hours that make up each day seem much longer than they really are. Each new day, when I look in the mirror, I am reminded that, while outwardly I may look the same, truly, inside, where it counts, I am not. My world has changed, and to move forward, I must be part of that change. And so it is that I am writing to tell you good-bye as I embark on this new journey, leaving the old Julie behind and becoming better acquainted with whoever it is that I am now.


In the past 15 months since Brian died, I have learned so much. I’ve learned to appreciate the little, everyday things that I took for granted – things that are now gone forever: The tears and the heart aches; the hopes and the dreams; the missed opportunities; the familiarness that can only be understood by all those years of living, loving, and learning together. Every new day each of us is given 24 precious hours. And each day, no matter how we choose to use our time, seconds turn into minutes, then into hours, then days, and eventually, a lifetime. Sadly, we seldom stop to remember how fragile and fleeting life is . . . until it has suddenly ended for someone we dearly love.


While it’s been a rocky 14 months since this change began, I’m wiser now, and I still have life to live. To live that life, I’ve learned the importance of patience, perseverance, and self-love. I know could he talk to me, Brian would tell me not to let his death debilitate me for life. So, even though so much of who I was is gone, I realize that there is still so much of who I am becoming to be discovered and experienced – so that is what I will try to do. Thanks for getting me this far, Julie. I’ve got this. I’ll take it from here.

Love, 
Julieanne

A day ago I wrote this. I am both amazed and proud of myself that I have come this far in this amount of time, and I fully intend to keep moving forward. Hopefully, you will decide that, too.

I met an old friend today!
It was so good to see her again.
I hadn't seen for about five or six years.
We've been friends for as long as I can remember, she and I.
But, I was really worried I'd never see her again.

I met an old friend today!
She's changed a lot since I last saw her.
Still, she's got that same smile that I'd recognize anywhere.
I've been thinking about her a lot lately, 
wondering how she was doing, how life was going for her.

I met an old friend today!
While there's a lot that's still the same about her,
there's much that has changed, too, but in a good way.
Time does that to us all, I know, 
and life can put us through some pretty tough stuff sometimes.

I'm so thrilled that I met my old friend today!
It felt so good to see her.
I hope I don't have to wait so long to see her again,
but only time will tell, won't it.
I'm just happy that she showed up again at all.

You know, she looks a lot like me.