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“The death of someone or something we love changes us. There is no going back to the person we were before this life-altering experience. We will never be that version of ourselves again. No amount of effort or reflection or mental gymnastics will return us to our pre-tragedy self.” Michelle Neff Hernandez, “Different After You” (p. 15)
I recently read a post on Facebook by a friend who talked about the changes they were making in themselves. They talked about how they were learning not to be so judgmental and self-critical. Reading about their journey of self-discovery and being kind to themselves made me think back to 1991 when I was going through a contentious divorce from my then husband of nearly 20 years. We lived in a small town of less than 3,000 in a rural setting. I was the one to move out of our house and the the three of our four children who were still at home came with me. To say that all of this stressed me to the max would be a gross understatement. I left feeling broken, inadequate, manipulated, ugly inside, and overall just a loser for having failed. Fast forward to 1992 when I met Brian, my late husband. He made me feel valuable, loved, worthwhile, and beautiful inside and out. I started to believe that just, perhaps, I truly was the wonderful person he thought I was. That left me with the year in-between to wrestle with. The year where I’d set off on my own, with three children. My life was lived on pins and needles, being tormented by mind games that I felt myself being continually sucked into. Each night, exhausted, I sat at the dining room table in my small rented house, crying and journaling my way through what I now know was grief over the death of a relationship I had planned on lasting a lifetime. Writing was not just my therapy, it was, in the end, what saved me. It kept me sane. It gave me hope. While my mind struggled with feelings of inadequacy, fear, and low self-esteem, my heart took me on a journey of self-renewal and self-love. I now realize that in order to fall in love with Brian as I did, I first had to fall in love with myself again. So, here I am now, 2.5 years after losing Brian, trying for all I am worth, to fall in love with myself again. Ironically, I find myself on the same journey I was when I this poem, all those years ago. And, while I may not be there all the time, with each passing day I am getting closer to loving the Me that I am now.
First Love I really think that I'm falling in love -- I honestly think that it's true! I like this feeling it's giving to me. For me it is something quite new. My love is quick-witted, attractive, beguiling, exciting, successful, and smart. My love's learned to laugh, to cry, and to play: To think with the head and the heart. To stand on both feet and face life day-to-day, to be proud of what they've grown to be. It's a wonderful feeling, this being in love, for you see, I've learned to love ME! Julieanne Gentz February, 1993
Time in a Bottle 
“There is no going back to the person we were before this life-altering experience. We will never be that version of ourselves again.”
That is so very true but that is true also of any changes in our lives birthdays, graduations, marriage, divorce, first job, etc. That is part of growing or ‘moving forward/ and why would one want to chose to go back when there are new experiences, new adventures, new learning ahead of us on our short journey here on earth.
Grief gives us time to pause as we learn to adjust to a new phase of our journey and helps us to renew hope and new dreams or to fulfill uncompleted hopes and deferred dreams.
So grief is strictly personal because it reflects individual experiences and the values they have placed on them, so how long one continues to let grief be a centerpiece of their life will differ from individual to individual and t new phase of a fulfilling journey and select what memories of the past to honor and maintain and leave the rest to the past.
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That post you read about learning not to be judgmental and self-critical and of being kind to yourselves on your journey of self-discovery is great advice and I am glad that you are doing the best to follow it as you describe some phases you have gone through on your own journey that will open new paths to explore.
You say “I now realize that in order to fall in love with Brian as I did, I first had to fall in love with myself again.” Well, you successfully achieved that so do not let anything change that self-love and conviction that you are valuable, loved, worthwhile, and beautiful inside and out as Brian made you initially feel then believe.
And, yes,
keep writing from the heart
from which your words
delightfully do flow.
Admiringly, Marshall
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Marshall,
Thank you for your replies/comments on my writing. It means a lot to me!
I have been trying to get back on track and sort things out to be able to make that happen, and I think that after the first of the year I will have gotten there. I have taken on things I don’t really want to do and can, with a little rearranging of priorities and time, get rid of so that I can focus on what I love to do (and what really feeds my soul and fills my heart with joy) — my writing, my cello, and my singing.
I know that I have at least two books in me that I need to write. The first is the story of losing our farm (my first husband and I) in the farm crisis of the 1980’s and how that cost us our marriage. That was 40 years ago, and I have realized that until I write out that story I am never going to be able to fully process it and leave that piece sit in the “attic of my life”, and also come to terms with the change in my first husband that it precipitated. I thought I had finished the grief work with that, but more and more am feeling like I just boxed it up and stuck it in a dark corner of the attic, dragging it out and hauling it along with me every time I moved. And then, of course, there is the book about grieving and my path forward.
I am honored that you like my writing. Please give me your site again (you have one, right?) because I would love to return the favor and keep up with your writing, too 🙂
Your fellow writer (and hopefully friend as well)
Julie
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