"Grief is like glitter. You can throw a handful of glitter into the air, but when you try to clean it up, you'll never get it all. Even long after the event, you will still find glitter tucked into corners. it will always be there . . . somewhere."
                     Quote by @irish_cuchulainn


Saturday, October 1, 2022

Dear Brian,
Today you have been gone for a year and a half:18 months;540 days;12,960 hours. Sometimes it seems like an eternity. Other times, it feels like it was just yesterday. Today was quite a ride on the old "grief roller coaster." At one point in the day I got this strange feeling, one I have been searching and longing for -- I felt "normal." It literally stopped me in my tracks, partly because I was convinced that was something I could never feel again, and partly because it was so different-- different because it didn't include you. It was, to be honest, very weird, because if the life I am living now is "normal," I am not sure that it is how I can, or want to, spend the rest of my time here on earth. The feeling was brief and fleeting, but it was there, so perhaps there truly is a light at the end of this long, dark, lonely tunnel we call grieving. Later that evening, it was as if that feeling, that glimpse into brighter tomorrows, never existed. I was blindsided by a huge wave of grief that nearly knocked me off my feet. I cried quietly to myself. Then I sobbed aloud. And in that moment I felt like I was the only person that existed in the entire world. That's how alone I sometimes feel without you here. So, I reminded myself that grief is not a moment. It's a process. And, just like everything else in life, there are bumps in the road. Sometimes there are even dangerous pathways we must navigate. So I am working on doing a "reset," remembering that, like glitter on the floor from a craft project that was so much fun to do, I will, as the quote says, never get it all cleaned up, no matter how hard I try. "It will always be around somewhere."

Much love always,
Julie

Treasures of the Heart

Each morning now I wake up
      all alone here in our bed
with memories of happier days
     swirling 'round inside my head.

Days I took for granted
     that now mean so much to me.
Your laugh, your smile, the simple things.
      The "Us" we used to be.

All those things have shaped me 
      into who I am today .
They're living, breathing pieces
         that will never go away.

Memories that even death
      can never tear apart.
Carried always with me,
                  tucked away inside my heart.

Julieanne Gentz