Some days I still wake up sad.
Usually those are the days when I have woken up in the middle of the night crying, and I have no idea why. Sometimes when this happens I feel so damaged, so broken down by grief and sadness that I wonder if I can ever manage to repair things. And then I remember: I don’t repair my broken life . . . I rebuild it. And that takes time. Rebuilding means finding new pieces to replace those damaged beyond repair. It means finding ways to make those new pieces fit into the empty spots, which can sometimes be a real challenge. It means remembering that when things don’t feel quite right, that’s OK. Those new pieces take some getting used to, and, perhaps, some of them are not the right replacement and I need to find new ones.
More than once I have wished that I had those old pieces back, the ones I saw lying at my feet in a million unrecognizable pieces. Maybe that’s why I sometimes wake up at night crying. Maybe my mind is doing some tidying up, gathering up all of those broken hopes, dreams, and oh so familiar routines. Clearing them out and making room for me to stack all of the new pieces of my life I have been collecting over the past two years.
I tell myself that I am a good planner, as well as a skillful builder. A sort of “life architect,” if you will. And, on top of that, I have a great group of workers helping me, ones that we all need on our team if we want to rebuild and move forward. Workers like time, patience, perseverance — and most of all a vision for the future. Because I want a future. Because I know that Brian also wants me to have a future.
So, I dry those tears that have disrupted my sleep, knowing that they are a reminder of what I had, and I use that to give me the strength and courage to continue moving forward. Continue, secure in the knowledge that not only can I do this, I will do it. Let me clarify, however, that I am not “moving on,” as that would mean I am leaving my old life out of the blueprint for my new one. But, the reality is quiet the opposite. For you see, the memories I have of that life provide a strong foundation on which to build. To start over. There is a power beyond words in love that is timeless and endless. It bridges the gap between now and forever. It’s written onto our hearts and is with us always.
I am the architect of my life. The careful planner. The master builder. I am the dreamer of new dreams and the author of my story. And no matter how many set backs that I have, I WILL make this happen. . . And it will be amazing.
I Am by Julieanne Gentz I am Me. Whatever that means and whoever that is. I am Me. Me in all of my quirkiness, uniqueness, strangeness and beauty. A one-of-a-kind wonderful combination, born of that shy, lanky, insecure adolescent. The one shaped by doubts, fears, and a nagging sense of never being quite good enough. I am that girl with dreams and hopes and questions. The college student, finding her stride in life, her self-confidence, her inner and outer beauty. I am the wife, the mother, the teacher, the professor, the divorcee - the widow. I am Me. The composer of all the songs in my soul, of all the dreams and hopes in my life. The architect of my future. The one responsible for knitting back together the frayed edges of my life. I am Me. The keeper of my dreams. The artist who paints on the canvas of my life. I am. I can. I will. I am strong. I am a survivor of the storm.