I am never sure if the time from April 1, 2021 to today, was one year later, or perhaps it was two? Yes, at least two, maybe more like 20? But, then again, perhaps it wasn’t a year at all. Maybe it was just a month, or sometimes it feels like it’s only been a day, or maybe it was only a matter of hours. No matter how long it really is, it has still been too long since I’ve heard my husband’s voice; held his hand; kissed him; felt his arms around me; seen his smile; heard him say my name; heard him say, “I love you, Julie.” And then I realize that “too long” will be forever, and the sickening feeling in my insides, the hollow, aching, confused longing comes rushing back in like a tidal wave and I again find myself engulfed in the maze of grief, blindly searching for a way out, and hitting dead ends. Today I found a meditation series on my Calm app about grieving. Two of the episodes involve Nora McInerny. She is the host of a podcast about grief called; “Terrible, Thanks for Asking.” Over the course of a few months she suffered three devastating loses; a miscarriage, the death of her father, and finally, the death of her husband. It helps to see where she is today and the perspective she has gained because of those losses and her subsequent grieving. It’s things like this that give me hope. Especially on days like today. For the past two weeks I’ve been writing poems about how I feel on this 1st anniversary of my husband’s death, knowing that when the actual day came, I might not have a single poem in me, which is pretty much what happened. So, here is how I feel today, on this first of many anniversaries of Brian’s death.

Letting Go

Letting go is never easy. It can surely break my heart,

because I forgot the day I met you that someday we’d have to part.

Life wasn’t always rosy, but that’s just how life can be

You’ll be in my heart forever, even now that you are gone,

and in the end all that really matters is that

I love you, and you love me..

Second Chances

If life have us second chances there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

to have the opportunity to spend one more day with you.

I know there’d still be heartaches and days when things were bad,

but that’s a price I’d gladly pay to feel the love we had.

It seems to me a travesty that when we have the chance,

we fuss about the little steps . . . and miss the lovely dance.